Tina Fey

I was wearing my best gap turtleneck and my dates were two adult lesbians. So yea, I was pretty cool.

Do the NBC bigheads really pay attention to these message boards? Um, I don’t know if they read the message boards. I hope so, because I write fifty to a thousand fake posts a week, mostly, uh, saying that I’m really good and that no else is as good as me. So, I hope they listen to that because I’m trying to get a raise.

People will say, ‘Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they’re giving girls a negative message’-but we’re also the fattest country in the world, so it’s not like we’re all looking at fashion magazines and not eating.

I don’t like my feet. I’m not crazy about anybody’s feet. But I have flat feet.

Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions; go over, under, through, and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing and don’t care if they like it.

I still want Oprah to play my best friend. I want to spend time with Oprah.

What good are fans? You can’t eat applause for breakfast. You can’t sleep with it.

Being jealous of a beautiful woman is not going to make you more beautiful.

There’s not a lot of towns that I can go to and take family – too many incongruous knocks on doors – “Hello, honey. Have you missed me?”

There is no doubt about precisely when folks began racing each other in automobiles. It was the day they built the second automobile.

If Kyle had ever been dedicated to nothing but driving, he’d have been really, really good. But he wanted to do a lot of other things. He’s always been that way. Still is.

Any woman who diets all the time can’t help but be grouchy. Nobody can be amusing or entertaining on a diet.

Celebrity culture has gone crazy, and I think the reason is that real news is just not bearable, and it also seems impossible to change anything.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

I get crazy in a bookstore. It makes my heart beat hard because I want to buy everything.

In my experience, there was never anything quite like the egos in CSNY.

Elections: the only excuse for a grown man to kiss a stranger’s baby and not have the cops called.

It really bothers me when people don’t use coasters. Particularly on my table.

I really like comedy that brings people together. There’s a lot of comedies lately that have been at people’s expense or been kind of acidic or mean-spirited. And some folks like that, and I think there’s room for that, but that’s not my style. I like something that makes us all feel closer. Comedy, at its best, can be healing.

Politics: ‘Poli’a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and “tics” meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

If we don’t get actively involved to at least mitigate Trump’s damage, things will not be OK. And yes, the sun will rise each day, but the continuing rotation of the earth should not be your baseline expectation of American society.