Tina Fey

I think for women especially, you need to have a plan. I need to have some other ways to generate income, so I don’t have to stretch my face or lift the top of my head with surgery or something.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.

I don’t enjoy any kind of danger or volatility. I don’t have that kind of ‘I love the bad guys’ thing. No, no thank you. I like nice people.

When choosing sexual partners, remember: talent is not sexually transmittable.

Sometimes people expect that I’m going to be tough. It’s not a bad situation. People treat you better. People are on time.

When it’s not your gig, you’re like, ‘I’m just gonna go to bed!’

What cha saying boy, you think Im playing boy, watch ya mouth girl, its a mans world.

I don’t want to be stuck in the ’70s or the ’80s. I just keep moving. That’s my intention. That’s my stimulus. Otherwise, I’d be at home doing the garden.

I didn’t really have any idea of what Hollywood was except that it was a place where the made movies.

The only reward for anything is food.

Please welcome the woman I have been assigned to mentor – Lindsay Lohan.

If the songs aren’t there and you throw a TV set out of the window, who cares?

My first kiss was when I was 12.

That is not a functional use of language. That is a drunk driver crashing a pickup truck full of alphabet soup.

I’m always shocked by the people who I’m attracted to. It’s always completely random. I generally like people who are a bit crazy but yeah, that’s pretty much my only prerequisite.

I’m like one of those firecrackers that goes off in your pocket occasionally. I’m not really struggling with it as much as the people around me. But at least I’m not doing too much damage to anybody or to myself. It’s just the condition I’m aware of.

I look at an audience kind of like meeting my in-laws for the first time. You want to be yourself, but you still want to be somebody that they like. When I go onstage each night, I try my best to outguess my audience, and I like to feel in most cases like I’m a big guy with long rubber arms that I can reach around my audience and swing and sway with them – move them with me. And many nights, I can’t. Many nights I can. But you do like a good manager with a baseball team. You keep pulling pitchers, you keep trying.

Music is for every single person that walks the planet.

Two Sundays don’t make a season. But if we keep it together, we are going to win a whole bunch of races this year.

What makes us a bit nervous is, in this instant age, to release something that might take more than one listen. Where everything is instantly judged on YouTube or something! It’s a bit like releasing a horse and cart on a racetrack.

One of my friends was part of the popular group and I remember her telling them, ‘Come on, we should let Vanessa in.’ This one other girl didn’t want to let me into the group. Finally, I kind of got accepted and became good friends with her. I don’t know, the whole popularity scene is funny.