Tina Fey

I’m not a mean person, but I have a capacity for it.

I never get to go to movies, because I’m a mom.

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it’s only because I struggle with math.

I was looking at Jane Fonda last night. And you know why she always looks great? Because there was never a point where you say, ‘Hey, remember those two years when Fonda got fat?’ It never happened. You just have to keep that baseline. That goddamn baseline.

There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a socialist.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

I don’t think there’s any way it could have failed. We don’t know failure in this band. We didn’t know failure. We got to know it a little after awhile but at that time there was no such word.

Even in 2008 – which was probably the most exciting political cycle I experienced while at SNL – there was a sense of a hangover afterwards. But this time, it has been relentless, and we’re only relentless in what we’re doing because [the Trump administration is] so relentless in what they’re doing. So this is all a reactive relentlessness.

This is going to sound really funny. I have a poster of Zac Efron on my wall! I think every girl has a poster of him in their room so, why not join the club!

I hope we left you with something to put under your pillow.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Two Sundays don’t make a season. But if we keep it together, we are going to win a whole bunch of races this year.

There are always going to be ridiculous rumors.

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, ‘Well, look: you did what you could.’

Do you know how much hate mail I’ve gotten from people who love Mario Kart? … In one day, I managed to ruin half of America’s childhood and mushroom farming everywhere.

Well, I speak for my show only when I say we’re in debt to journalists because we’re just pulling clips all day long which they made in the first place. We know that a lot of people watching our show haven’t been watching the news as closely as we have – they haven’t been following hundreds of reporters on Twitter all day. So I guess our goal is to say: ‘Hey, here’s what happened today in 10 minutes, and hopefully we’ll tell you in a way that won’t make you throw your remote at the television’.

Since I started acting it’s kind of been a bit mad. I never really did anything before and two years ago I started acting and I’ve kind of been in work ever since. Then Harry Potter came along and it’s been a huge step and a massive event in my life.

Maybe it’s because I’m English, but in terms of how people perceive us I only pick up on the negative side of it.

There were a couple of times where you think you’re swimming towards a guy with a breating apparatus and then you find its just some thing in the water and you’re like (imitates freaking out) and then you just know what to do and they film your stupid face just screaming underwater and then everyone starts laughing and its just like, ahh, great.

[On being criticized after admitting she and then-husband Ryan Phillippe have gone to couples therapy] Since when is self-improvement a negative? Why wouldn’t I be interested in psychology? I like to read a lot of psychology books. I’m obsessed with child behavior; I would love to be a child psychologist.