Tina Fey

To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

I have a suspicion that the definition of “crazy” in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*** [sleep with her] anymore.

When I was going to school in, like, ’84 to ’88, you didn’t have cell phones. There was no e-mail, if you can wrap your brain around that.

I’m not that good looking… nobody is that good looking. I have seen a lot of movie stars, and maybe four are amazing looking. The rest have a team of gay guys who make it happen.

Know what? Bitches get shit done.

Mary Tyler Moore was a working woman whose story lines were not always about dating and men. They were about work friendships and relationships, which is what I feel my adult life has mostly been about.

I’ve changed so much. I’m not nearly as cocky as I was, I was a real prat for the first month. I didn’t talk to anyone. I just drank coffee and told everyone I was 24 and this famous theatre actor just back from South Africa.

If I were running ‘The View’, I’d fire Rosie O’Donnell. I mean, I’d look at her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say ‘Rosie, you’re fired.’

My body is the shape I live in and it shapes the way I live.

Oh but I’m serious this time. Take your American history books, burn them in the streets, they’re worthless after Tuesday. Why? The senate is up for grabs. I repeat – the f**king senate is up for grabs!

Florida, just because you’re shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn’t mean you have to act that way.

You can start any Monty Python routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.

I don’t want to be somebody else.

I’m just a big, hard tool.

Girls are a distraction and can easily cost points.

What is really important for a woman, you know, even more than being beautiful or intelligent, is to be entertaining.

I see myself more as a character actress than a celebrity!

Donald J. Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.

Being such a big band is never a problem but it can be distracting.

The crowds treat me like my last name. When I go onstage people usually stand up, I never ask them to, but they do. They stand up and they don’t know how much I appreciate it.

Know what? Bitches get shit done.