Tina Fey

When I started on ‘Saturday Night Live,’ I had the choice of wearing contact lenses, which I had never worn before, or glasses, in order to be able to read the cue cards.

I was wearing my best gap turtleneck and my dates were two adult lesbians. So yea, I was pretty cool.

We’ll probably end up doing a terrible crossover, where the Matthew Perry character on the drama rapes my character on the comedy-and then the ‘Law & Order’ team solves the crime.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.

I think for women especially, you need to have a plan. I need to have some other ways to generate income, so I don’t have to stretch my face or lift the top of my head with surgery or something.

There are no mistakes, only opportunities.

I think people fetishize glasses in general. You could put glasses on a rotting pumpkin and people would think it was sexy.

I don’t take myself that seriously. I’ve just had a good, big life. It’s a big one.

There aren’t any hard women, only soft men.

While Bette Midler is an extremely unattractive woman, I refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct.

Never have doubted it, even when the plane crash happened. I wasn’t mad at God. I just knew that there was a reason that I didn’t know about why it happened.

Dictionary.com defines ‘Amy Poehler’ as ‘results not found. I take that as a testament to your uniqueness.’

Old men do it better. We’re not so sensitive in certain areas.

I’ve been watching what I eat. When I was putting on all the weight, I was drinking Guinness and not eating. I didn’t have room to because I was drinking all the time.

Fame for fame’s sake is a completely empty experience. Fame should be a by-product (and not necessarily a good one) of achieving something extraordinary.

[on Amy Poehler] Not only is she not afraid to look silly, she’s not afraid to let you throw her in the air like a basketball and catch her.

I don’t think these women are stupid. I think they’re selling a personality that’s very marketable: Wouldn’t it be fun if we were all gorgeous and didn’t have a care? But creating a cultural icon out of someone who goes, “I’m stupid, isn’t it cute?” makes me want to throw daggers at them! I want to say to them, “My grandma did not fight for what she fought for, and my mother did not fight for what she fought for, so you can start telling women it’s fun to be stupid.” Saying that to young women, little girls, my daughter? It’s not OK.

We’re still trying to break records on the twentieth anniversary of Live Aid. I’ve just heard Bob Geldof has put Phil Collins on a jet to Philadelphia. There’s nothing going on there, we just don’t want him around this year. No I’m joking, of course we didn’t put him on a jet. We stuck him in a catapult. To be fair, he didn’t get very far. Although it worked in rehearsals when we used it on Chris De Burgh. I could do a whole routine about injuring Phil f**king Collins.

I just LOVE lip gloss! It doesn’t matter if it’s $2 or $30.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I’m sorry, did I say ‘scientists’? I meant ‘Irish people.’