Tina Fey

There are no mistakes, only opportunities.

I feel like it’s harder to get women to show up for movies.

Oh, nerds!

I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.

Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open. The crowd cheers.

You can sometimes get your own feelings across more strongly if you pretend that you’re singing it from someone else’s angle. But it’s always from me. It’s just a new way of framing it.

I would say my number one tip is to know that it’s okay to be in love with yourself. That’s not a bad thing. People might think it’s cocky, or arrogant, or selfish – no, that’s not what that means. Being in love with yourself is okay.

With my platform, I want to try and do good things and help people.

[on Sarah Palin returning to Fox News] First tonight, I and the rest of America woke up this morning in the worst way imaginable.

No, I was two years older than the other guys. I was a war baby. My family were a lot poorer than they were. I’d had to fight too hard for anything I had in my life and to smash things up for me.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

Everyone has an idea that they think would be a great movie. Everyone has a cousin who they think you should work with. Everyone has a warped vision of Hollywood and what success in Hollywood is like. That you love cocaine and that you spend every night in orgies with models. If only it were true.

I was the original pop star, knocking off as many birds as you could get in one night. Pete’s got a bit of a chip, because I used to get all the girls.

There’s not a lot of towns that I can go to and take family – too many incongruous knocks on doors – “Hello, honey. Have you missed me?”

I happen to be lucky in that I knew what I wanted to do as far as a career since I was nine years old.

I have to say, I’m really not that attractive. Until I met my husband, I could not get a date.

Payday loans are like the Lay’s Potato Chips of finance. You can’t have just one and they’re terrible for you.

I don’t like my feet. I’m not crazy about anybody’s feet. But I have flat feet.

Because sex is like boxing, if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime.

I’ve been working so hard, I’m about to have a Mariah Carey.