Ronnie Shakes

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’

The anticipation for Tina playing Palin was so fun to witness, and she explains it well in her book Fifty Shades of Grey. She totally took on what was expected of her and it was awesome to stand next to her as she killed.

[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone

[at the 2013 Golden Globe Awards] Meryl Streep is not here tonight. She has the flu and I hear she’s amazing in it.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

You know, as a comedian your body has to be – I need to think of a better term than ‘up for grabs’ – but you kind of use whatever you have to get the laugh. And if you’re worrying about how you look… Vanity is the death of comedy.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.