Ricky Gervais

I have plenty of pet hates. I can’t stand people scraping their plate or slurping their soup. I can’t stand waiting in lines. I hate people talking inanely about the Lord Of The Rings. I hate people whistling. But I’m not like this because I’m famous. I’ve always been a grumpy bastard.

[about the showbiz lifestyle] It’s all too much trouble for me. It’s probably because I’m fat and lazy and old.

[On turning down the chance to appear in Ocean’s Twelve] Why say a couple of lines opposite Brad Pitt when I could be playing lead back home?

[on Stephen Merchant] He’s eight foot tall, has stupid glasses, awful hair, but it makes me look good, which is why he’s in the series. We look so strange on screen together as well. The height difference is ridiculous. I want people to know that he is a freak and I’m the normal one. Don’t look at this and go, ‘What? Didn’t know Ricky was a dwarf.’ I’m not. He’s the weird one.

[on turning down a role in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’] I didn’t really fancy sitting in a hotel room in Los Angeles for nine weeks for two minutes on screen, to be honest. I don’t really want to be an actor. I want to write and direct. I’ve been offered about ten British films. Obviously all shit. I was offered one with Johnny Depp, but again, it was a small character part, and I thought, ‘What’s the point?’ No one’s ever watched someone in seven films for one minute and said, ‘Yeah, give him his own film’…it doesn’t happen.”

We’re still trying to break records on the twentieth anniversary of Live Aid. I’ve just heard Bob Geldof has put Phil Collins on a jet to Philadelphia. There’s nothing going on there, we just don’t want him around this year. No I’m joking, of course we didn’t put him on a jet. We stuck him in a catapult. To be fair, he didn’t get very far. Although it worked in rehearsals when we used it on Chris De Burgh. I could do a whole routine about injuring Phil f**king Collins.

I think they want to keep it separate, but I’ve never been a crossover artist for some reason.

No person who does not reside in Canada shall induce electors to vote for or refrain from voting for a particular candidate. And apparently anyone found guilty of doing that could be fined up to $5,000, given a six-month jail term, or both. That is a ridiculous law and I guess what you’re saying, Canada, is do you wanna dance?.

I think I’d make a pretty good girlfriend.

I think it’s easier for the general public to embrace me in a negative way. You have people who already have a perception of me that says I’m a bad person.

It’s been quite a journey. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!

I don’t like a tremendous amount of conflict. I don’t think that fighting and passion are the same thing.

We are excited to partner with TEAM, RADD and NHTSA on this campaign, designed to raise awareness of two major safety issues – impaired driving and seatbelt use. Richard Petty Driving Experience provides the perfect venue for the campaign’s messages and incentives, particularly for reaching young men, who make up the highest risk group for motor vehicle crashes. The collaboration of our staff, NASCAR driver hosts and fans with the celebrities and dignitaries that represent the campaign at Richard Petty Driving Experience is exciting to see.

I used to be better looking than this.

I think that passion and love and pain are all bearable, and they go to make love beautiful.

It is also a testament to the role that Ireland and its citizens have played towards combating world hunger, poverty and under-development in agriculture and rural development,

I’ve discovered as I’ve grown up that life is far more complicated than you think it is when you’re a kid. It isn’t just a straightforward fairytale.

Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

Yeah. I still live in Canada, so it’s not quite the same. And when I’m in L.A., I’m in a car; you don’t have the contact with the public. It’s not so bad. It’s still pretty much the same. I still feel pretty normal-ish.

There’s nothing worse than a bunch of jaded old farts, and that’s a fact.

[To Jimmy Webb] You’re really interested in a career? Wow, I just thought you were some guy who hung out in Las Vegas with Connie Stevens.