Milton Berle

It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list.

The family is very important. They make me feel good always because if I won, when I started to be famous, the relationship never changed with my friends and family.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom at 23, 24ish, ever since I was a little girl. I’m right on schedule.

My daughters are the heart of my heart and the center of my world.

The best thing about having a sister was that I always had a friend.

I am an example of what is possible when girls from the very beginning of their lives are loved and nurtured by people around them.

Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers … for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.

I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.

There’s a reason why people who’ve had bad relationships with their parents listen to angry stuff.

I met with my lawyers. They gave me all the wrong advice. For a long time I refused to accept the child was mine. I should have met her, arranged a DNA test and accepted my responsibility.

How do people make it through life without a sister?

When I’m happier and healthier, my family is happier and healthier, and it affects how I interact with my friends and the people I work with.

My dad died, I think, at 87. So I’ll be lucky if I make 87. But in a lot of cases, the younger people live longer than their parents. And they know more. My dad used to tell me he ate the hog from his rooter to his tooter. So do I when I’m not trying to lose weight.

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.

Growing up, I was taught that a man has to defend his family. When the wolf is trying to get in, you gotta stand in the doorway. He has to get through you first before he gets into the house to get your family. I’m one of those guys who wants to be in that door.

I tell my children now that they are older, ‘If something happens to me… don’t make no big fuss over me. Don’t make no big expense on my funeral. Don’t put any pressure on the rest of the family. I’ve loved everybody, and I hope they loved me. But don’t create this big expense for the family.’