Mark Twain

Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.

What do we call love, hate, charity, revenge, humanity, forgiveness? Different results of the master impulse, the necessity of securing one’s self-approval.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it, he knows too little.

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain’t so.

Adam was the luckiest man; he had no mother-in-law.

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

A hunch is creativity trying to tell you something.

Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do. Love!

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Life’s three best teachers: heartbreak, empty pocket, failures.

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet.

There are lies, damned lies and statistics.

Four women have helped me: mother, sister, mother-in-law and wife.

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.

I don’t like when there’s too much conversation because I’m shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

I have 100 percent Bronx pride like it’s a country like I AM the Bronx.

No, I’m not anguished and tormented.