Lisa Lampanelli

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.

I’ve always said, ‘If you need Viagra, you’re probably with the wrong girl.

Strong relationships are the key.

Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women.

It’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.

I think I had the best of James [Taylor]. I mean, I was so in love with him. Not with blinders on – I was in love with him because he is a remarkable man, and he gave me a tremendous amount.

It’s like in golf… A lot of people – I don’t want this to sound trivial – but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive… it’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.

Don’t confuse feelings with facts and don’t ignore facts when they come as feelings.

All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.

Relationships are negotiated and if you deal with ultimatums and authority all the time, then you’re not going to get anywhere.

If I was your wife Sir, I’d poison you! Madam, if you were my wife, I’d let you!

You can repeat the mistakes of your parents’ marriage or you can go out of your way not to repeat them.

When you get married, your loyalty, first and foremost, is to your spouse, and to the family that you create together.

A lover cannot be chosen a la smorgasbord. A lover has to be chosen from soul-craving. To choose just because something mouthwatering stands before you will never satisfy the hunger of the soul-self. And that is what the intuition is for; it is the direct messenger of the soul.