John Oliver

British politics, when done well, can be very fun. John Oliver

[on Anthony Weiner] I remember him now… the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God.

But it’s been 114 years. It’s like for over a century, America’s computer’s been saying, An update to your country is available and we’ve been clicking Remind me later again and again and again.

When David Beckham got a tattoo of Jesus, the response from most soccer fans was, ‘That’s huge for Jesus. That’s a big deal for him’.

News is not a game show. You don’t win a car if you happen to be right.

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says ‘I don’t give a royal s**t.’

Oh, nerds!

My family, you know, are all still, you know, very close. We’re all still very close. Mom and Daddy are still alive. So, what more can you ask for? Your kids are healthy.

I have to tell you, and I don’t mean this as sour grapes or anything, but it is hard to play for fans who see you all the time, makes it much harder.

Ninety-five percent of my audience was white.

I was born in ’74, so I missed out on all the great early ’60s and early ’70s.

I have no enabler bone in my body – not one. I’m sort of like, ‘Oh, are you going crazy? I’ll be back in an hour.’

The craziest thing I’ve ever done to get a guy’s attention? I admit I stalked someone. I showed up at a restaurant where I knew the guy worked, and we were actually good friends and had lost touch, and I pretended that I didn’t know he worked there. And then ran into him and, “Oh my God, you work here? I had no idea.” It’s the most manipulative thing I’ve done in my entire life, but it all worked out very well, so I have no regrets.

While making Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde, I had like 50 outfit changes. It was great! I’m real into the whole “girlie” thing, it was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed it.

Dammit, interviews are not what I do.

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.

I hate that the paparazzi agencies get all of the fan accounts shut down! Ugh we have to think of something! Maybe start our own agency? And let all of the fans post whatever tf they want!!!!!

I was wearing my best gap turtleneck and my dates were two adult lesbians. So yea, I was pretty cool.

I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Really looking at yourself and going, ‘Yeah, I’m not cool enough for the West Village.’

Everything we do needs to be exceptional – if it’s not exceptional we don’t put it out there, because the biggest high for us is when we read comments from our customers saying that they can’t live without them.

There’s nothing worse than a bunch of jaded old farts, and that’s a fact.