John Oliver

And if you’re thinking, But hold on John, what if I’m an asshole who couldn’t give a shit about America’s hungry families or the long-term viability of life on Earth? Well, first, let me say, Mr. Trump, thank you so much for taking the time to watch this show tonight. It’s lovely to have you with us.

Yes, it’s that special time of year where we voluntarily imbibe pumpkin spice lattes, the coffee that tastes like a candle.

While some are arguing that Trump might not have meant all those things, that leaves us with two devastating options: either we just elected a President who didn’t mean a single word he said, or we elected one who did.

[on Anthony Weiner] I remember him now… the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God.

Trump is like a magic eight-ball; every time you shake him he gives you a different answer, and sometimes the answer is just ‘big-league’ or ‘that’s some body on my daughter, right?’

Anthony Weiner’s alter ego is a Bolivian action hero slash porn star. ‘Danger… is my user name.’

If you have physical attractiveness you don’t have to act.

Yes, it’s that special time of year where we voluntarily imbibe pumpkin spice lattes, the coffee that tastes like a candle.

I think Pete did have a hard time as a kid with his appearance. But don’t all kids have a hard time? God, I had a hard time, too. I was little with bow legs and rickets. I used to get picked on like everybody used to get picked on.

No matter what we say, entertainers are usually quite insecure, wobbly characters underneath, and maybe that bit of glory or that bit of expression or whatever it is compensates in some area.

And God help Bruce Springsteen when they decide he’s no longer God… They’ll turn on him, and I hope he survives it.

Do you know how many women get systematically blackballed out of their positions in an office building and can’t fight back?

I’ve seen the photos of me and Flo Rida. It doesn’t matter how we met. We met. I don’t want to say that we’re a couple. I can definitely say that he’s somebody in my life, and I’m definitely interested but I’m not serious with anybody.

The thing is, we’re not extravagant people. It’s just unbelievable the amounts of money we make. But we don’t spend it. It’s too scary to spend it.

Trying to be a leader in a sort of very atypical workplace like ‘Saturday Night Live’ forces you to realize that no one wants you to be their leader. If you can help them get their thing on TV or whatever, they want that. But no adult is looking for a role model.

You can never say you’re big – I don’t think you can ever take anything like that for granted.

I’ve known Daniel since I was 22. We did a play together in London many years ago.

Back in fifth grade, I was obsessed with Pokemon cards and Beanie Babies! My family and I would be online 4 am in the morning, just to get a new shipment of beanie babies.

My career has been a combination of hard work and timing. Working with Stevie Wonder at the Kennedy Center Honors was timing. The Tonight Show was timing. Carnegie Hall, that was timing. My marriage was timing. I was ready, I wanted to know what it was like.

I was looking at Jane Fonda last night. And you know why she always looks great? Because there was never a point where you say, ‘Hey, remember those two years when Fonda got fat?’ It never happened. You just have to keep that baseline. That goddamn baseline.

Then there’s the story of ill-fated love. It’s universal.