John Oliver

It’s the 2016 election, and it’s 2015 right now. So I don’t care until we’re in the same year as the thing that I’m supposed to care about.

When David Beckham got a tattoo of Jesus, the response from most soccer fans was, ‘That’s huge for Jesus. That’s a big deal for him’.

Because sex is like boxing, if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime.

British politics, when done well, can be very fun. John Oliver

You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?’

As we’ve seen, Trump is a masterful denier of both reality and responsibility. He’s a man who would kick you in the nuts and then tell you that your penis did it.

I’m not perfect! I’m human. I make mistakes. But I try to be as conscious as I can about things I should be. If I’m going to do something commercial and mainstream and made for the masses, I just believe you can make those kinds of films with quality – and good ideas and good intentions. There’s a lot of negativity out there.

I quite liked Sharkey and George and then there was a cartoon with rapper MC Hammer in it – Hammertime – I loved that cartoon, it was genius! They don’t make cartoons like that anymore.

I’m really, really enjoying myself, I seem to have a lot of purpose in my life. I’m enjoying what I’m doing, you know, and people are liking it. So, it’s great, you know.

Take it easy, be a sport. Just remeber life is short.

I don’t even have people’s phone numbers. I almost don’t want to have a girlfriend in this environment.

I see myself more as a character actress than a celebrity!

Mothers – we owe everything to them. They gave birth to us, they nurtured us, they made us who we are. And this Mother’s Day, we have just one thing to say to all the mothers out there: Get the fuck back to work.

I took piano lessons when I was younger and I’ve been trying to learn how to play the guitar recently. I’d realy like to learn how to play the drums. They’re alot of fun and they require a lot of focus.

[on British Red Cross album to assist and create awareness of Refugee Crisis] The position we are in, it’s paramount we all do our best one way or another to help.

What cha saying boy, you think Im playing boy, watch ya mouth girl, its a mans world.

[on marriage] I’m a fan of marriage, but more for other people right now than for myself.

My first real kiss came when I was 10, and it was in an acting class. I had to do a scene from a movie where someone gets kissed under a tree, and I did not want to do it! But my acting partner wanted me to feel comfortable, so he bought a picnic basket with all these snacks. He made such an effort- and it was cute.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

You must not look into that mirror at your doughy legs and flat feet. For today is about dreams and illusions, and unfiltered natural daylight is the enemy of dreams.

I come from a very small island which is packed with people. I mean, jam-packed with people. I’ve lived a life which has been pretty much full up with ambition, ideas, stimulus, creativity, some negativity which I try and avoid.