John Oliver

That is not a functional use of language. That is a drunk driver crashing a pickup truck full of alphabet soup.

Trump hasn’t said one crazy thing, he’s said thousands of crazy things, each of which blunts the effect of the others.

Oh but I’m serious this time. Take your American history books, burn them in the streets, they’re worthless after Tuesday. Why? The senate is up for grabs. I repeat – the f**king senate is up for grabs!

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley – the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you’re in your Vegas years. You’ve squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you’re wheezing your way through ‘Love Me Tender’ and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you’re still the King.

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They’re much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they’re in there.

Because sex is like boxing, if one of the parties didn’t agree to participate, the other one is committing a crime.

When you go to Marvel, they lock you in a room with the scripts; they really are that secretive.

When Yale reached out, I thought it was a hoax, but they really followed through.

I’m not going to have a baby until I’m around 30-something.

It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.

Impossible to believe that dear Freddie has been gone for 10 years now. The immediate pain has obviously retreated but I can honestly say that not a day goes by when I do not think about him and miss his presence. He filled a very large part of my life – the life of the others in the band – but most especially the millions of people he never met! As I look back, I think the one thing that tends to be unsaid – aside from the obvious traits of fun, utrageousness, generosity of spirit, vocal ability etc – is the sheer brilliance of his musicianship. Leagues ahead baby. Fred – we love you – we miss you old friend!

I do think things were meant to happen. I’m just this little girl from Tennessee, and here I am today. I think a lot of things are just out of your hands.

I quite liked Sharkey and George and then there was a cartoon with rapper MC Hammer in it – Hammertime – I loved that cartoon, it was genius! They don’t make cartoons like that anymore.

There are different audiences out there, and everyone has different tastes of what they want. And it’s a good thing because otherwise, there wouldn’t be enough stuff to go around.

Yeezus was extremely purposeful. And what came from Yeezus: Paparazzi are nicer to me. The entire fashion industry is nicer to me.

It is a little insulting that you’re trying to appeal to adult women voters the same way that Mattel attempts to appeal to eight year olds. And at least Barbie’s pink bus had the good sense to unfold into a sweet hot tub and party den combo. … The only way it could be even more patronizing is if its wheels were giant NuvaRings and they refused to let women drive it.

Love should be an inspiration, not an obligation.

I can do the Chipmunk voice and impressions of Judy Garland, Debbie Reynolds and Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. I could probably do the whole Von Trapp family.

Because if you do what you think is right for the benefit of everybody and everything and you make decisions, to go back and regret them afterwards-it’s a futile experience and it’s not worth thinking about. Because life just unfolds. Provided you do your best and you think you’re on the right track, you can only be right or wrong. But to regret it-I don’t think there are any huge errors or misdemeanors. You know, I should have hung out with Elvis a bit more.

I made my life ambitious and big and crazy, and basically now I am the helmsman of this mad affair, and I need to take stock. I write these songs, and I live and die in the middle of them, but I can’t really tell you the truth about me, cause I don’t know what it is. It’s a f***ing great journey but it doesn’t all smell of roses.

Twitter seems like a busman’s holiday: just more writing. I have no plans to do it. I’ll just stick with my 24/7 webcam. I’m old-fashioned that way.