John Oliver

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

Calling Jeremy Corbyn the ‘British Bernie Sanders’ would be very reductive, very simplistic and probably the best way to explain him to Americans, while being wildly inaccurate. As for Corbyn and Sanders, I think we’ll have to wait and see whether being principled actually gets you anywhere. I don’t think you can doubt the tenacity of their beliefs. But can you translate that into power?

Student debt is like HPV – if you go to college, you are most likely to get it, and it will follow you for the rest of your life.

Mothers – we owe everything to them. They gave birth to us, they nurtured us, they made us who we are. And this Mother’s Day, we have just one thing to say to all the mothers out there: Get the fuck back to work.

There is nothing inherently wrong with media that has a viewpoint. This show has a viewpoint; we fact-check everything we say, but I don’t pretend to be neutral on things like criminal justice reform; I’m for it. Uh… Coldplay; I’m against it. Uh… or DeWalt ladders; they’re a seamless blend of style and performance. Walking up one is like ascending to Heaven on a golden cloud. I’m not being paid to say that. I’m just a fan.

Oh but I’m serious this time. Take your American history books, burn them in the streets, they’re worthless after Tuesday. Why? The senate is up for grabs. I repeat – the f**king senate is up for grabs!

Everyone asks me about being so worried or thinking about existence as if I’m the only person who can’t understand why a tree grows the way it does or why a person is in power when they’re not that great. These are questions everyone has.

I get more people approaching me about how good I was in ‘Napoleon Dynamite’ than being in Coldplay.

I’m one of those people who doesn’t follow trends. I set them.

It feels so great to be back on the scene.

I think the way for me to win America’s heart is to perform, and if I really was concerned about breaking big then there’d be a tour.

When people apologize to me sincerely, I accept it. It’s really never too late to right your wrongs.

I really like comedy that brings people together. There’s a lot of comedies lately that have been at people’s expense or been kind of acidic or mean-spirited. And some folks like that, and I think there’s room for that, but that’s not my style. I like something that makes us all feel closer. Comedy, at its best, can be healing.

It’s nice having famous people love you.

My little cousin tells me I look like Magneto so I guess that’s who I should probably play.

Impossible to believe that dear Freddie has been gone for 10 years now. The immediate pain has obviously retreated but I can honestly say that not a day goes by when I do not think about him and miss his presence. He filled a very large part of my life – the life of the others in the band – but most especially the millions of people he never met! As I look back, I think the one thing that tends to be unsaid – aside from the obvious traits of fun, utrageousness, generosity of spirit, vocal ability etc – is the sheer brilliance of his musicianship. Leagues ahead baby. Fred – we love you – we miss you old friend!

Acting is really about showing up that day and telling the writers what you feel like saying.

I have a suspicion that the definition of “crazy” in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to f*** [sleep with her] anymore.

I’ve had many nicknames over the years: V, Nessa, Nessy Poo, Nessy Bear and Van. Only my parents call me Van, though, and I hate it. I get embarrassed.

It’s a lot harder to do an ensemble because your energy is going in so many different places, and you have to cover everybody. You have to sort of split your attention.

If I go and try to watch a movie by myself I’ll be completely transfixed the whole time, concentrating one hundred percent. But if I’m with another person on a date or something, within two minutes I’ll be like ‘This is rubbish, this is rubbish. We should leave and do something else.’ I don’t really know why.