John Oliver

Our president-elect [Trump] has at various times said he’d bomb civilians, loot oil, and waterboard, which isn’t a military strategy so much as the series of words that Donald Rumsfeld mutters so he can stay hard while he’s masturbating.

An iPhone would be a more coherent president of the United States.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley – the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you’re in your Vegas years. You’ve squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you’re wheezing your way through ‘Love Me Tender’ and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you’re still the King.

The crime rates among immigrants once [in the United States] are in relatively tiny digits, which is something Donald Trump should frankly understand given that he has ten of them attached to his miniscule wrists.

I don’t know how you explain Piers Morgan back to Americans now. I don’t think he ever intended for America to be his home, and there’s a difference between criticising the place you have come to call home and the place you have come to live in for a bit. Ideally, on the Venn diagram between myself and Piers there would be no overlap whatsoever, on either a personal or professional level. If we could be two non-interlocking circles I’d be fine with that. Any comparison with him makes me want to challenge you to a duel.

[on Trump lying] They are self-serving half-truths from a self-serving half-man who has somehow convinced half the country that sacrifice is the same thing as success.

I think my level of fame will drop back down. I think it’ll recede. In fact, I know it will. That’s life on Planet Earth. And I’m okay with that. Besides getting tables at restaurants and special treatment at the airport, what else is there?

Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show…called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.

Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long we’re like Oprah and Gale. Only we’re not denying anything.

I’m more of a writer than an actor, and I used to say that I’m mostly an improviser, though I haven’t improvised in awhile.

You know, I was a school rebel. Whatever they said do, I didn’t do. I was totally anti-everything. I was a right bastard, a right hard nut. I just totally closed the doors to ever wanting to know what they had to teach me. Rock & roll was the only thing I wanted to get into.

Parisian men make love all day and have no time to work; American men work all day and have no time for love.

I think it’s part of being English, particularly if you are middle-class – you’re always looking to be reminded that you are no good and you are always actually embarrassed about being successful.

The same kind of boys always like me. The ones that easily get their feelings hurt. Ugh! Then they try to get my attention by doing something dumb but I’m too busy to notice

I’m the type to swallow my blood ‘fore I swallow my pride.

I was motivated by just thinking that if you had all this external success that everyone would love you and everything would be peaceful and wonderful.

I always get carried away when I’m kissing. I just go nuts! Walking away after it is the strangest moment for me. It’s embarrassing – not knowing what to say to each other.

[on El Chapo interview] I have a terrible regret.

I pay all my own bills… I want to choose the man. I do not permit men to choose me.

If you have paparazzi, you know you’ve gotten somewhere.

Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.