John Oliver

Trump hasn’t said one crazy thing, he’s said thousands of crazy things, each of which blunts the effect of the others.

An iPhone would be a more coherent president of the United States.

Donald J. Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.

If we don’t get actively involved to at least mitigate Trump’s damage, things will not be OK. And yes, the sun will rise each day, but the continuing rotation of the earth should not be your baseline expectation of American society.

When David Beckham got a tattoo of Jesus, the response from most soccer fans was, ‘That’s huge for Jesus. That’s a big deal for him’.

That is not a functional use of language. That is a drunk driver crashing a pickup truck full of alphabet soup.

When it comes down to the music, it’s just you and the microphone. It’s not you and the record execs.

I think Pete did have a hard time as a kid with his appearance. But don’t all kids have a hard time? God, I had a hard time, too. I was little with bow legs and rickets. I used to get picked on like everybody used to get picked on.

Welcome to the MTV Movie Awards I am a bit surprised they asked me to host… and so was MTV. They thought I was Adele.

Someone once said that to make a regular person laugh, you need to dress a guy up like an old lady and push him down the stairs. To make a comedy writer laugh, you have to push a real old lady down the stairs. I don’t know who that’s attributed to. I think it’s Aristophanes. Or Catherine the Great.

Know what? Bitches get shit done.

What gets me is how many women – young women – give up their power and sense of self. Thinking they’re going to get more out of life if they take off their clothes and objectify themselves, instead of functioning on the principle that they’re smart and capable, that you can be an actress and not be on the covers of T&A magazines. I’m flabbergasted by how many legitimate actresses do that. It blows my mind.

[on Ryan Phillippe] I’m lucky to find a person to share my life, and the best friend I’ll ever have.

[on Anthony Weiner] I remember him now… the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God.

I think if Keith Moon was here today and you asked him to recall most of his early life or most of his life, he wouldn’t be able to recall it.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

I think mystery is kind of great. I don’t know anything about Bette Davis or Katharine Hepburn or Ava Gardner – not really – and I like that. I love watching their movies because they’re my personal movie stars. I don’t know what they eat and who their trainer is.

And I’m looking at him like, ‘Oh my God. This is Michael Jackson’. I fainted, blacked out – like seriously blacked out.

For no. 1, it’s great writing, super writing. The second thing is that it’s great chemistry with all the actors. We just all got along from the very start. Very get-go, we all got along. We just – it was just like we were all meant to be there together.

I don’t speak particularly well. That’s one of the consequences of being extremely ugly.

He was at Richmond from the time I was a little boy. He was one of the originals in PR, in working with the drivers and the newspapers. He was one of the first to realize you don’t just stick up a sign and say we’re going to have a race Sunday. He went out, dug up PR and really got the job done. Any time we ran at Richmond, the place was always full.