John Oliver

No person who does not reside in Canada shall induce electors to vote for or refrain from voting for a particular candidate. And apparently anyone found guilty of doing that could be fined up to $5,000, given a six-month jail term, or both. That is a ridiculous law and I guess what you’re saying, Canada, is do you wanna dance?.

That is not a functional use of language. That is a drunk driver crashing a pickup truck full of alphabet soup.

While some are arguing that Trump might not have meant all those things, that leaves us with two devastating options: either we just elected a President who didn’t mean a single word he said, or we elected one who did.

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, ‘Well, look: you did what you could.’

[on Anthony Weiner] I remember him now… the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God.

We often read transcripts of Trump’s speeches, and it’s something that everyone should actually do once in a while. When you strip away his blindingly confident delivery and just read his words, it is staggering how incoherent he is.

[On how she handles people who disagree with her] I’ve learned the art of ignoring people. When people give you some piece of direction you don’t like, you just nod and ignore it. Just don’t do it! Most people want to be heard and acknowledged, anyway. Just do what you want to do.

I don’t want to go to another rollercoaster ride of a movie. If I want that, I’ll go to Magic Mountain. I’m really interested in the young directors that are doing different things in cinema. I think the movies people will hold onto are the Rushmore (1998)s and the Being John Malkovich (1999)s. Those are the kind of films I want to do; that’s what I’m passionate about.

It’s VH1, it’s everywhere, and you know music is just the world right now. People love music.

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

With my platform, I want to try and do good things and help people.

I managed to pick out some pretty special people.

The sweetest thing a guy said is that I look pretty with or without makeup.

It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, ‘if this is what it takes to win, it’s not worth it.’

I can’t believe Tina Turner actually was on the same stage. I can’t believe I set foot on the same stage, and it’s going to be an album, people are going to buy it, and it’s going to be a video.

Thats the worst thing, I dont really care if people say I’m a bad actor, I can like work on that, but if they just say that he’s ugly thats just like “oh.. really?

In Hollywood they say there’s no business like show business. In the hood they say there’s no business like ho’ business.

I was advised by an American agent when I was about 19 to change my surname.

I don’t really like to go out very much. I’m not scandalous. I’m not, like, in this to be famous. I also find it so embarrassing when you read about people and it’s like they were so trashed at Skybar and stumbling around. I don’t want to be that person. That’s just so embarrassing to have that written about you.

I was rapping as a hobby. It was something I did for my friends and just played around on ideas and stuff like that.

The guys that don’t respect that history and tradition, I don’t think they’re going to be around all that long. And those guys who don’t know the history and tradition, I think it’s upon them to learn about it pretty quick if they want to be a success.