John Oliver

An iPhone would be a more coherent president of the United States.

[on Anthony Weiner] I remember him now… the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God.

It hits you in small ways and large, doesn’t it? For instance, had you considered the fact that portraits of Trump are going to be hanging in our airports? Uh… or that the man who disparaged a Gold Star family will now be expected to comfort the families of fallen soldiers? And maybe you’ve tried to make yourself feel better, fantasizing that he might Google how much does the president get paid?, get depressed, and then resign. But that is when you remember Mike fucking Pence, who might be even worse, because he looks like he’s from the 1950s, but he thinks like he’s from the 1650s. Oh, what’s that, you say? Her pregnancy was terminated before birth? Well, clearly she’s a witch. Hold a funeral for the fetus and throw the mother in a lake.

[on Trump] He’s like the guy drowning but waving off a lifeboat saying, ‘Get out of here, I’m very buoyant. I’m the most buoyant. Everybody talks about my buoyancy. I’m a tremendous floater.’

Trump is like a magic eight-ball; every time you shake him he gives you a different answer, and sometimes the answer is just ‘big-league’ or ‘that’s some body on my daughter, right?’

Welcome to The Daily Show, I am John Oliver. And let’s just acknowledge for a moment that this is weird. This looks weird. It feels weird. It even sounds weird. It sounds weird to me and this is my actual voice.

The interesting thing about my character ‘Sylar’ is that my strengths as an actor seemed to go completely against the shape of a character in the shadows. I stepped into this character and then realized how much there was to play with.

I have Faith Popcorn on retainer. I’m sorry-what I meant to say is that I have popcorn stuck in my retainer.

As a 29-year-old, the only thing that I can possibly think is that if I’m still performing at 50, it’s because I’ll have had disastrous marriages and I have to pay for them.

I’m just incredibly fortunate that my eyes and ears have been opened. I have to be honest with myself and remove as much of the repetition and fakery as is humanly possible. To soothe the savage heart, we have to repeat ourselves sometimes – that’s entertainment.

You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.

I believe I was definitely sent down here to take people away for a little while, to make them happy.

If I didn’t do what I do, I wouldn’t be as young as I am.

Tell her: jealousy is a disease, die slow.

There is no doubt about precisely when folks began racing each other in automobiles. It was the day they built the second automobile.

I’ve known Daniel since I was 22. We did a play together in London many years ago.

When it comes down to the music, it’s just you and the microphone. It’s not you and the record execs.

We’re all comedy fans in my family. My parents mainly wouldn’t let me watch stuff that was either annoying to them, or just garbage. My dad wouldn’t let us watch ‘The Flintstones’ if he was home, because he said it was a rip-off of ‘The Honeymooners’. But he would let us stay up really late in the summer and watch old ‘Honeymooners’.

I really admire stand-up, and I think I would have loved to learn how to do it. I think it’s terrifying and thrilling. A really cool thing to do. It’s a dying art, in a way.

We aren’t cool and never will be.

Don’t worry about being famous or making money; the most important thing is being the best. You have to become a master of your craft, and everything else will come.