John Oliver

Payday loans are like the Lay’s Potato Chips of finance. You can’t have just one and they’re terrible for you.

When David Beckham got a tattoo of Jesus, the response from most soccer fans was, ‘That’s huge for Jesus. That’s a big deal for him’.

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They’re much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they’re in there.

Trump’s presidency is like one of his handshakes: it pulls you in whether you like it or not.

But it’s been 114 years. It’s like for over a century, America’s computer’s been saying, An update to your country is available and we’ve been clicking Remind me later again and again and again.

Student debt is like HPV – if you go to college, you are most likely to get it, and it will follow you for the rest of your life.

It’s a sport to me. I never want to get too complacent with my writing or my flow.

I didn’t miss out on a family life because of racing. I had one because of it.

Even in 2008 – which was probably the most exciting political cycle I experienced while at SNL – there was a sense of a hangover afterwards. But this time, it has been relentless, and we’re only relentless in what we’re doing because [the Trump administration is] so relentless in what they’re doing. So this is all a reactive relentlessness.

I don’t now what situation they came from and I don’t know what they were offered to go somewhere else. It’s the times now, There’s not a any loyalty for anyone or anything – a whole lot. Wherever the money’s at, that’s where they’re going, so I don’t blame them. They’ve got just a few years to get it done and if they don’t get it done then, then they aren’t going to get it done.

There’s no substitute to being successful on an actual chart.

[on accepting his CBE] I owe everything to the musicians I work with. From the UK to Africa to Tennessee, it is their brilliance that I bounce off. Alone I’m nothing.

I was young when I first went to America. I was 19 years old, and I went crazy. I met The GTOs and my mind just snapped. I’m from a nowhere town in the Midlands and here were these girls with bare breasts blatantly coming on, and of course we went crazy.

I don’t think I’m very much like anyone else, really. I’m sure there are aspects of other actors that I share, but I don’t see anybody else and go, “Damn, they stole my thing”. I’m me, and I like that there are people who have an appreciation for that.

I think its important to keep an element of fear about yourself because it makes you appreciate the jobs.

Any woman who diets all the time can’t help but be grouchy. Nobody can be amusing or entertaining on a diet.

I am now determined to do really weird parts but I think I overdo it in auditions so nobody really trusts me!

I think everyone’s intentions are to become a performer at first. But by the time I was in high school and college, I discovered that I liked writing and that I was probably a little better at it.

If I were running ‘The View’, I’d fire Rosie O’Donnell. I mean, I’d look at her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say ‘Rosie, you’re fired.’

Show No Love , Cus Love Can Get U killed

Then there’s the story of ill-fated love. It’s universal.