John Oliver

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

The death penalty is like the McRib. When you can’t have it, it seems so tantalizing. But when they bring it back, you think, ‘Wow, this is ethically wrong’.

Calling Jeremy Corbyn the ‘British Bernie Sanders’ would be very reductive, very simplistic and probably the best way to explain him to Americans, while being wildly inaccurate. As for Corbyn and Sanders, I think we’ll have to wait and see whether being principled actually gets you anywhere. I don’t think you can doubt the tenacity of their beliefs. But can you translate that into power?

So it’s an aging product that’s decreasing in popularity and yet somehow it just can’t stop making money. It’s basically the agricultural equivalent of U2.

An iPhone would be a more coherent president of the United States.

[on Sarah Palin returning to Fox News] First tonight, I and the rest of America woke up this morning in the worst way imaginable.

I’m pleased with how ridiculous I am. I like me. Though I’m not a huge fan. I know when to switch me off.

I think Daniel (Radcliffe)’s… just so far superior to me in terms of desirability, so he didn’t really have much of a competition with me. If I were Katie, I would definitely go out with him because he’s rich and famous, and I’m not really!

Left to my own devices, I dress like I’m here to service your aquarium.

If you have physical attractiveness you don’t have to act.

So I’ve realized that this outfit is part of Richard Petty now. And the real Richard Petty is still hidden behind these glasses.

I actually love the audition process, so I’m so happy to fight for things. I would love to read something that I want to fight for, but lately the scripts are not that compelling.

Some of the best times in my life happened under the influence of drugs… I’d still be doing it if I could make good judgement calls. I’d still be doing it if I didn’t blow up to the size of an aircraft hangar, because it was a great time.

For no. 1, it’s great writing, super writing. The second thing is that it’s great chemistry with all the actors. We just all got along from the very start. Very get-go, we all got along. We just – it was just like we were all meant to be there together.

When I first started racing, my father said, “Win the race as slow as you can.

You have to learn that if you start making sure you feel good, everything will be okay.

Boys love being bossed around by me tho…

I prefer being as far from the centre of celebrity as possible.

I can do anything I want to do really, I might as well.

No other formula gives your baby a better start at life except that stuff that comes out of you for free.

There are so many different definitions of ‘pretty.’ it’s so much broader than before. The old pretty is boring- nobody cares anymore.