John Oliver

Payday loans are like the Lay’s Potato Chips of finance. You can’t have just one and they’re terrible for you.

[on Anthony Weiner] I remember him now… the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God.

Yes, it’s that special time of year where we voluntarily imbibe pumpkin spice lattes, the coffee that tastes like a candle.

It hits you in small ways and large, doesn’t it? For instance, had you considered the fact that portraits of Trump are going to be hanging in our airports? Uh… or that the man who disparaged a Gold Star family will now be expected to comfort the families of fallen soldiers? And maybe you’ve tried to make yourself feel better, fantasizing that he might Google how much does the president get paid?, get depressed, and then resign. But that is when you remember Mike fucking Pence, who might be even worse, because he looks like he’s from the 1950s, but he thinks like he’s from the 1650s. Oh, what’s that, you say? Her pregnancy was terminated before birth? Well, clearly she’s a witch. Hold a funeral for the fetus and throw the mother in a lake.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

British politics, when done well, can be very fun. John Oliver

In my neighborhood if you’re too aggressive, you intimidate someone, they kill you. Or if you decide to be emotional and you start crying, you’re a victim. You know, the kid in the schoolyard that doesn’t want to fight always leaves with a black eye. You have to find a way to stay in the middle, somewhere where people just don’t mess with you because they know that you don’t have a problem with it if it goes there.

As we’ve seen, Trump is a masterful denier of both reality and responsibility. He’s a man who would kick you in the nuts and then tell you that your penis did it.

I was wearing my best gap turtleneck and my dates were two adult lesbians. So yea, I was pretty cool.

I’ve never felt uncomfortable with my level of fame. I don’t get hassled. Maybe sometimes in a minor way, but New Yorkers are much too cool for that. The thing is, you choose to be an actress, but not to be a celebrity.

I love you like a fat kid loves cake.

You have to be quite stupid to act.

Lesson learned? When people say, “You really, really must” do something, it means you don’t really have to. No one ever says, “You really, really must deliver the baby during labor.” When it’s true, it doesn’t need to be said.

I aspire to be Jack Nicholson. I love every single mannerism. I used to try and be him in virtually everything I did, I don’t know why. I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest when I was about 13, and I dressed like him. I tried to do his accent. I did everything like him. I think it’s kind of stuck with me.

I have no enabler bone in my body – not one. I’m sort of like, ‘Oh, are you going crazy? I’ll be back in an hour.’

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They’re much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they’re in there.

Keep in mind that most men like to pursue and win you. Don’t rob him of the enjoyment of doing that. When it comes to dressing to go out, it’s been my experience that guys prefer to think that the object of their affection is someone exclusive who isn’t available to everyone in the room. You’re clever enough to strike the right balance between hot and classy, aren’t you? Turn up the heat, but don’t invite the whole fire department.

Paramount sent them nine-foot-high (theater lobby) cutouts of me. They say, “You don’t have to come home, we’ve got you in every room of the house!”

I’d rather be called King than other things I’ve been called.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, ‘People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea’.

I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Really looking at yourself and going, ‘Yeah, I’m not cool enough for the West Village.’