John Oliver

It is a little insulting that you’re trying to appeal to adult women voters the same way that Mattel attempts to appeal to eight year olds. And at least Barbie’s pink bus had the good sense to unfold into a sweet hot tub and party den combo. … The only way it could be even more patronizing is if its wheels were giant NuvaRings and they refused to let women drive it.

Oh but I’m serious this time. Take your American history books, burn them in the streets, they’re worthless after Tuesday. Why? The senate is up for grabs. I repeat – the f**king senate is up for grabs!

And if you’re thinking, But hold on John, what if I’m an asshole who couldn’t give a shit about America’s hungry families or the long-term viability of life on Earth? Well, first, let me say, Mr. Trump, thank you so much for taking the time to watch this show tonight. It’s lovely to have you with us.

British politics, when done well, can be very fun. John Oliver

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley – the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you’re in your Vegas years. You’ve squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you’re wheezing your way through ‘Love Me Tender’ and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you’re still the King.

[on Sarah Palin returning to Fox News] First tonight, I and the rest of America woke up this morning in the worst way imaginable.

Since I started acting it’s kind of been a bit mad. I never really did anything before and two years ago I started acting and I’ve kind of been in work ever since. Then Harry Potter came along and it’s been a huge step and a massive event in my life.

I haven’t had an interview in two years where I wasn’t asked about Bond!

My love for the band is still there. It hasn’t changed, maybe that’s why it’s so painful these days.

I spent a long time trying to figure out how to play (Edward’s part) without making a fool out of myself. The whole book is written from Bella’s perspective and she’s in love with him. I mean, the guy can be anybody – he could be an alien – and you see past everything if you’re in love with someone.

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.

[On singing in Walk the Line] The director came to us and he said “No, I really want you guys to learn to sing. To learn to play instruments and I want you to record an album”. and that is what… and I just absolutely was just gob-smacked and I said .. “I don’t know. I can’t do that.” And he said “Well I want you to try.” Now that’s the thing for me. If someone asks me to try, I will always try.

Well I had my kids so young that I kind of feel that I’m a kid too and am growing up with them. The things they’re interested in tend to really influence me.

I’d make a better U.S. President than George W. Bush. Bush is an idiot. I’m a better public speaker than him. It makes you wonder about the voters.

I’d like to win an Oscar.

The crowds treat me like my last name. When I go onstage people usually stand up, I never ask them to, but they do. They stand up and they don’t know how much I appreciate it.

I was young when I first went to America. I was 19 years old, and I went crazy. I met The GTOs and my mind just snapped. I’m from a nowhere town in the Midlands and here were these girls with bare breasts blatantly coming on, and of course we went crazy.

[On roles resembling the title character in ‘Penelope’] I like this girl because she is a bit of a bad-ass. I grew up watching movies with people like Barbara Stanwyck, and sometimes I get frustrated that there aren’t a lot of great female characters out there that young women can look at and go, ‘I want to be like that’. I go to movies and yell at the women on-screen, ‘Shoot him; just shoot him.’ I mean, why why does the guy always have to shoot him?

I like listening to good music – and I can’t stop playing my album.

I don’t try to just be a blues singer – I try to be an entertainer. That has kept me going.

When I was really young, I loved the movie ‘White Christmas’ – I still do – and I thought Rosemary Clooney was so pretty. When I was, like, nine, I would tell people, ‘You know who I kind of look like? Rosemary Clooney.’