John Oliver

A hundred and thirteen is a lot of tests. It’s approaching the amount that you’d ask your doctor for the morning after you woke up from a one-night stand with Colin Farrell.

An iPhone would be a more coherent president of the United States.

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

Democracy is like a tambourine – not everyone can be trusted with it.’

Any single part of Brexit is a mountainous task and that is before you get to the tiny little bits that you understand that we haven’t even thought might be a problem. John Oliver

There is nothing inherently wrong with media that has a viewpoint. This show has a viewpoint; we fact-check everything we say, but I don’t pretend to be neutral on things like criminal justice reform; I’m for it. Uh… Coldplay; I’m against it. Uh… or DeWalt ladders; they’re a seamless blend of style and performance. Walking up one is like ascending to Heaven on a golden cloud. I’m not being paid to say that. I’m just a fan.

I try to keep my ego at the right size. No matter what, I just do my best to live in an attitude of gratitude.

I like to write about women, not so much about the way they relate to men, but about the way they relate to each other.

I don’t want to go to another rollercoaster ride of a movie. If I want that, I’ll go to Magic Mountain. I’m really interested in the young directors that are doing different things in cinema. I think the movies people will hold onto are the Rushmore (1998)s and the Being John Malkovich (1999)s. Those are the kind of films I want to do; that’s what I’m passionate about.

The memories of a man in his old age, are the deeds of a man in his prime.

It is a little insulting that you’re trying to appeal to adult women voters the same way that Mattel attempts to appeal to eight year olds. And at least Barbie’s pink bus had the good sense to unfold into a sweet hot tub and party den combo. … The only way it could be even more patronizing is if its wheels were giant NuvaRings and they refused to let women drive it.

I hate cliché. And when you’re a rock singer in 1966, or whatever it was, psychedelic blues, through to the ’70s, which we know all about, and the ’80s, which was a scramble to hang on in, and the ’90s, which was a great time for experimentation…to get to this place, I’m really still excited. The huge vast diagonals within the music that I’ve been involved with.

I really like comedy that brings people together. There’s a lot of comedies lately that have been at people’s expense or been kind of acidic or mean-spirited. And some folks like that, and I think there’s room for that, but that’s not my style. I like something that makes us all feel closer. Comedy, at its best, can be healing.

I’m not worried about legacy. I don’t even know what that actually means. I don’t think anyone knows. I hope at some point in my career when my name is mentioned, someone will say “Oh yeah he has a good song!” I’d be happy with that.

If you’re wondering why I was only nominated for three of the categories tonight, it’s because I don’t swallow.

I’m pleased with how ridiculous I am. I like me. Though I’m not a huge fan. I know when to switch me off.

I’ve had some pretty good experiences on everything, even if the film doesn’t always work.

I knew I could always work harder and be better and show I’m more prepared. I had a whole science to, like, how you have to arrive 17 minutes early to something. If you’re 20 minutes early, that means you’re too eager, but 17 minutes gives you time to, like, settle, sign in, use the ladies’ room, have some water, and get comfortable.

You can tell an honest artist from one who’s just given all their songs.

I wanted to be in a band that shared ideas and were in it together.

Yeah, it’s tough being smart and sexy, too. I have to say, I’m really not that attractive. Until I met my husband, I could not get a date. I promise you it’s true. My husband Jeff Richmond saw a diamond in the rough and took me in.