John Oliver

While some are arguing that Trump might not have meant all those things, that leaves us with two devastating options: either we just elected a President who didn’t mean a single word he said, or we elected one who did.

There is nothing inherently wrong with media that has a viewpoint. This show has a viewpoint; we fact-check everything we say, but I don’t pretend to be neutral on things like criminal justice reform; I’m for it. Uh… Coldplay; I’m against it. Uh… or DeWalt ladders; they’re a seamless blend of style and performance. Walking up one is like ascending to Heaven on a golden cloud. I’m not being paid to say that. I’m just a fan.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley – the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you’re in your Vegas years. You’ve squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you’re wheezing your way through ‘Love Me Tender’ and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you’re still the King.

In the last series, we set up a church [to expose televangelists and the ease of avoiding tax through establishing a religious organisation]. It took a lot of legal advice and months of gathering correspondence with one pastor. In terms of the UK, I’m not sure what the Inland Revenue’s position on churches is. The IRS is very much of the opinion that all churches, whatever their form, operate tax free. How would I make sense of what we achieved? We achieved nothing! We achieved $70,000 in single [donations], a four-foot wooden penis and five vials of human sperm. Although a lot of people would consider that a decent year’s work, I suppose. It’s a pretty impressive room full of tat.

I don’t know how you explain Piers Morgan back to Americans now. I don’t think he ever intended for America to be his home, and there’s a difference between criticising the place you have come to call home and the place you have come to live in for a bit. Ideally, on the Venn diagram between myself and Piers there would be no overlap whatsoever, on either a personal or professional level. If we could be two non-interlocking circles I’d be fine with that. Any comparison with him makes me want to challenge you to a duel.

Student debt is like HPV – if you go to college, you are most likely to get it, and it will follow you for the rest of your life.

Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.

What cha saying boy, you think Im playing boy, watch ya mouth girl, its a mans world.

I wanted my voice to be a tenor sax, really.

All you could do was to see them. We were backstage when the Beatles were on and you could just about hear a noise. It was just literally screaming.

When faced with sexism or ageism or lookism or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: ‘Is this person in between me and what I want to do?’ If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.

I’m a bit of a slag… Some people don’t think it’s very nice, but I don’t care… I’ve got hormones, and sex is there, so why not? Sex is good. Everybody does it, and everybody should!

We aren’t cool and never will be.

Before you, my life was like a moonless night, but there were stars-points of light and reason. Then you flew across my sky, and there was light. When you were gone, when the meteor had flown over the horizon, nothing had changed, but my eyes had been blinded by the light. I couldnt see the light anymore, and there ceased to be a reason for anything.

What turning forty means to me- I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.

An iPhone would be a more coherent president of the United States.

I am now determined to do really weird parts but I think I overdo it in auditions so nobody really trusts me!

I thought Laura’s record was going to be huge… It was not successful it sold something like 20 or 30,000 albums. Laura lacked a certain level of ambition and didn’t really want to do the things that people do to become known. So I thought I’d better get people to record these songs and make them hits so that people will see that she’s a great songwriter.

Once you get rid of the idea that you must please other people before you please yourself, and you begin to follow your own instincts – only then can you be successful. You become more satisfied, and when you are, other people will tend to be satisfied by what you do.

If the songs aren’t there and you throw a TV set out of the window, who cares?

NASCAR will make this decision strictly on the greenery, OK? They’ve got no loyalty to one place or another place [as if North Wilkesboro, Rockingham and Darlington need reminding]. They’ve got loyalty to money. And I don’t blame them. I’d do the same thing.