John Oliver

You don’t need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?’

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

Optimism is nice if you can swing it. But you’ve got to be careful, because it can feed into the normalization of Donald Trump. And he is not normal. He’s abnormal. He’s a human What is wrong with this picture?

Welcome to The Daily Show, I am John Oliver. And let’s just acknowledge for a moment that this is weird. This looks weird. It feels weird. It even sounds weird. It sounds weird to me and this is my actual voice.

Healthcare is like a pair of gym shorts. Even if it covers nearly all it is supposed to, you’re still left with some problematic gaps and terrible things can happen.

Donald J. Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.

[on Frank Sinatra] He was a compassionate guy. He loved to have fun. He had a movie theatre in his house. We munched on popcorn and watched movies together.

We’ll probably end up doing a terrible crossover, where the Matthew Perry character on the drama rapes my character on the comedy-and then the ‘Law & Order’ team solves the crime.

I am very proud of the titles I have earned. However, the honorary title I have been given this year as chairman of the VA National Salute to Hospitalized Veterans program is one I accept with great humility and pride. I encourage all Americans to visit some true champions this Valentine’s week and find out how you can serve those who have served us so well.

I’d like to win an Oscar.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, ‘People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea’.

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend and dogs are a man’s best friend. Now you know which sex has more sense.

I don’t have a sound bite for everything.

People will say, ‘Oh, fashion magazines are so bad, they’re giving girls a negative message’-but we’re also the fattest country in the world, so it’s not like we’re all looking at fashion magazines and not eating.

I’ve deliberately tried to calm myself down because eventually I want to be a good role model to my kids.

I think it’s really finding that belief in yourself, where you just have it no matter what’s going on, no matter what anyone else says. I think that’s the challenge, is to really have that belief in yourself.

The thing is, we’re not extravagant people. It’s just unbelievable the amounts of money we make. But we don’t spend it. It’s too scary to spend it.

There’s only one person for every job. You can try all you want, but if you’re not right for it, you’re not gonna get it.

[on “Pleasantville”] We were thrilled for just the three nominations we got, but obviously it’s a little sad. I went through so many press junkets with people saying they loved it. And Joan Allen was robbed but she can’t get nominated every year. She’s an inspiration for every young actress. She has that calm and reserve about herself and makes you think she appreciates the normal things of everyday. Then she transforms into this character that’s so different.

If I hurt someone, if I were to accidentally poke someone’s eye out, I would laugh. And then I’d say, ‘I’m sorry, I really do feel bad,’ but then I’m on the floor rolling.

Well, once we finish something, I can’t really listen to it because all I hear are problems.