John Oliver

Optimism is nice if you can swing it. But you’ve got to be careful, because it can feed into the normalization of Donald Trump. And he is not normal. He’s abnormal. He’s a human What is wrong with this picture?

Payday loans are like the Lay’s Potato Chips of finance. You can’t have just one and they’re terrible for you.

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They’re much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they’re in there.

Think of our government as a body. The IRS is the anus. It’s nobody’s favorite part, but you need that thing working properly or everything goes to shit real quick.

In the last series, we set up a church [to expose televangelists and the ease of avoiding tax through establishing a religious organisation]. It took a lot of legal advice and months of gathering correspondence with one pastor. In terms of the UK, I’m not sure what the Inland Revenue’s position on churches is. The IRS is very much of the opinion that all churches, whatever their form, operate tax free. How would I make sense of what we achieved? We achieved nothing! We achieved $70,000 in single [donations], a four-foot wooden penis and five vials of human sperm. Although a lot of people would consider that a decent year’s work, I suppose. It’s a pretty impressive room full of tat.

Trump’s presidency is like one of his handshakes: it pulls you in whether you like it or not.

In reality, the main thing that keeps me awake at night is probably the destruction of the planet; that’s what gets me pretty upset.

[reacting to George Zimmerman’s acquittal] I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.

You want us as muses because you fear us as artists.

I also went to art school and learned to play a piano there, but I play by ear.

This is what I’ve learned about women: A guy’s walking down the street and he kicks a Coke can, and out comes a genie, and the genie says: “I will grant you one wish.” The guy says, “I don’t need anything. I’m happy. I play tennis. I sing in a rock group. But there is just one thing. I want to go to Florida and I hate flying. Can you build me a bridge from London to Miami?” And the genie scratches his head and says, “I don’t think I can do that. That’s a bit too much.” So the guy says, “Wait a minute: women. Can you explain the ways of a woman’s mind?” And the genie looks at him and says, “About that bridge. Do you want a handrail and lights?” It’s a handrail and lights, man. Whenever there’s trouble with women we all go, “Just give me the bridge.” It’s much easier.

If there’s anything that I can do with my time and my day to somehow make a difference, while I’m alive, imma try to do it. Period.

[on Sarah Palin returning to Fox News] First tonight, I and the rest of America woke up this morning in the worst way imaginable.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

As a 29-year-old, the only thing that I can possibly think is that if I’m still performing at 50, it’s because I’ll have had disastrous marriages and I have to pay for them.

I used to always feel awkward around a lot of rappers. Other people came from hustling and all that. Sometimes it was harder to relate. People would look down on me for the way I dressed, because my raps weren’t really that good – it was like, ‘Just shut up and do beats.’

Entertainment isn’t just based on the very structured syndrome of European popular music, and it’s great that there are so many thousands of people who are of the same opinion.

I’ve sort of heard that “it” girl thing, but not really. Hearing it from a few people doesn’t solidify it in my mind and I wouldn’t know how to solidify that title. It’s so elusive and what does it mean, I don’t know?

What I have to say is far more important than how long my eyelashes are.

Lowest rated Oscars in HISTORY. Problem is, we don’t have Stars anymore – except your President (just kidding, of course)!

[On his favourite scene from “New Moon”] The Volterra scene, where I have to step into the light. There were many extras and many fans there. Some fans travelled across the world to be there. I felt a huge sense of responsibility, being in front of so many that are so obsessed with this story. It was nerve wrecking, but I never felt closer to the character before this.