John Oliver

As we’ve seen, Trump is a masterful denier of both reality and responsibility. He’s a man who would kick you in the nuts and then tell you that your penis did it.

A hundred and thirteen is a lot of tests. It’s approaching the amount that you’d ask your doctor for the morning after you woke up from a one-night stand with Colin Farrell.

One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns.

Student debt is like HPV – if you go to college, you are most likely to get it, and it will follow you for the rest of your life.

Florida, just because you’re shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn’t mean you have to act that way.

Anthony Weiner’s alter ego is a Bolivian action hero slash porn star. ‘Danger… is my user name.’

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

I’ve been a life-time member of the Black Country community and I’m supporting the Wolverhampton Youth Zone. I think it’s a very welcome and crucial addition to the life of kids in our area.

I’m quite obviously not the world’s most handsome man – I’m the second world’s most handsome man!

There are stereotypes and it is quite amazing how often members of bands seem to follow those stereotypes. Singers are all vain. Guitarists are all vain but won’t admit it. Bass players are quiet people, and drummers are very exciting people to be with.

I have three other siblings, so it’s all very equal – even when I get a little cocky, which I usually do. My brother keeps me in a headlock. He says that I’m not a celebrity in this house.

Doing one movie every two years is about all I can handle ’cause, being the creator at ’30 Rock’, my year there starts in the middle of June and goes back around until March.

The music industry is a strange combination of having real and intangible assets: pop bands are brand names in themselves, and at a given stage in their careers their name alone can practically gaurantee hit records.

When I go to see Iron Man 3, I’m not as enthralled as I was when I saw The Bridge on the River Kwai.

I tell you, in this world being a little crazy helps to keep you sane.

I’m a weirdo. I don’t leave the house unless I have to.

When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real.

Ignorance is bliss? That’s bull, far as I’m concerned. Because I was making a half a cent a side – one penny for a record. It’s like building buses, for example. If you built this bus for me and I didn’t know anything about it, you could charge me whatever I’d pay for it. Now, which one of us is crazy? Me. And that’s the way they did me on the records. But I don’t fault them for it, because if you don’t know, you don’t know. It took me to learn.

The trouble is now, with rock’n’roll and stuff, it gets so big that it loses what once upon a time was a magnificent thing, where it was special and quite elusive and occasionally a little sinister and it had its own world nobody could get in.

I have two daughters, and we live here in Manhattan, and having gone through the Manhattan kindergarten application process, nothing will ever rival the stress of that.

I think actors have a choice of drawing attention to themselves or living on the outskirts.