John Oliver

In the last series, we set up a church [to expose televangelists and the ease of avoiding tax through establishing a religious organisation]. It took a lot of legal advice and months of gathering correspondence with one pastor. In terms of the UK, I’m not sure what the Inland Revenue’s position on churches is. The IRS is very much of the opinion that all churches, whatever their form, operate tax free. How would I make sense of what we achieved? We achieved nothing! We achieved $70,000 in single [donations], a four-foot wooden penis and five vials of human sperm. Although a lot of people would consider that a decent year’s work, I suppose. It’s a pretty impressive room full of tat.

Honestly, the main takeaway from these two weeks is that, incredibly, we may be on the brink of electing such a damaged, sociopathic narcissist, that the simple presidential duty of comforting the families of fallen soldiers may actually be beyond his capabilities – and I genuinely did not think that was a part of the job that someone could be bad at.

If we don’t get actively involved to at least mitigate Trump’s damage, things will not be OK. And yes, the sun will rise each day, but the continuing rotation of the earth should not be your baseline expectation of American society.

Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language’s most offensive C-word.

At this point, we aren’t just flirting with disaster; we’re rounding third base and asking if disaster has any condoms.

A hundred and thirteen is a lot of tests. It’s approaching the amount that you’d ask your doctor for the morning after you woke up from a one-night stand with Colin Farrell.

This is truly a blessing. Breyon Prescott, Peter Edge and Tom Corson believe in me and have introduced me to a home that also believes and knows exactly what to do with the type of music I’m doing.

It feels so great to be back on the scene.

Come on now! How could you be me and want to be someone else?

I’ve only met Brad Pitt once before. Well, I didn’t really meet him. I kind of just stood behind him and smelled his hair. It smelled really good.

Confidence is key. Sometimes, you need to look like you’re confident even when you’re not.

I just needed a job. Before being hired as an usher at the CBS Theater, I didn’t even know there was a show business.

Really, life is life. You do a lot of different things and you have great adventures but there’s not a lot to talk about unless you’re in the middle of an adventure at the time. Circumspection is not one of my better, favorite conditions, really.

Anything that we think is incredible and beautiful and wonderful, we ascribe to something that we don’t know what it is.

Kourtney has a new therapist and a new bf and I don’t really know which one is this problem

Everybody knows me by this scent called Pink Sugar.

I do worry – a lot.

My life comes to a screeching halt when I’m not making movies. I really like to ride my bike around town, garden, cook, and play ultimate frisbee.

[on acting] Sometimes I think, ‘To hell with acting’ and then I realize I could be working at a shoe shop. Acting is much cooler.

A band’s only unique thing is its chemistry, especially if none of you are prodigious players or particularly handsome. The one thing you have is your uniqueness, so we hold on to that.

There is nothing inherently wrong with media that has a viewpoint. This show has a viewpoint; we fact-check everything we say, but I don’t pretend to be neutral on things like criminal justice reform; I’m for it. Uh… Coldplay; I’m against it. Uh… or DeWalt ladders; they’re a seamless blend of style and performance. Walking up one is like ascending to Heaven on a golden cloud. I’m not being paid to say that. I’m just a fan.