Jackie Mason

It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

I give lectures for money, but all the money goes to charity. So, I make no money from it.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.

If a person gets his attitude towards money straight, it will straighten out almost every other area in his life.

Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? … No pockets.

I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.

Don’t depend on anyone but yourself for providing financial security.

Whoever thinks that money can’t buy happiness . . . just doesn’t know where to shop!

Hobbies cost money but interests are free

I’m bout this shmoney!

If you owe the bank $100 that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.

I rob banks because that’s where the money is.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.

No man’s credit is as good as his money.