Jack Handey

[John McCain is]… not a war hero. He’s a war hero – he’s a war hero ’cause he was captured. I Like people that weren’t captured, OK, I hate to tell you.

It is a sweet and seemly thing to die for one’s country.

It’s been a big week for our side. Over on the beaches of Normandy our boys have fired the opening guns of the long awaited drive to liberate the world.

What is human warfare but just this; an effort to make the laws of God and nature take sides with one party.

The enemy is anybody who’s going to get you killed, no matter which side he’s on.

Among the calamities of war, may be justly numbered the diminution of the love of truth, by the falsehoods which interest dictates, and credulity encourages.

On the fields of friendly strife are sown the seeds that on other days, on other fields will bear the fruits of victory.

If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war.

I have watched men suffer the anguish of imprisonment, defy appalling human cruelty… break for a moment, then recover inhuman strength to defy their enemies once more.

The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office.

You don’t win wars by dying for your country you win wars by making the other son of a b*tch die for his.

In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Goodwill.

Wars are necessary to teach us lessons we seem unable to learn any other way.

When I warned them the French that Britain would fight on alone whatever they did, their generals told their Prime Minister and his divided Cabinet, In three weeks England will have her neck wrung like a chicken. Some chicken! Some neck!

The strongest of all warriors are these two – Time and Patience.