Henry Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

Money is like muck, not good except it be spread.

Money is not required to buy one necessity of the soul.

I rob banks because that’s where the money is.

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

Scientists have odious manners, except when you prop up their theory; then you can borrow money of them.

If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

If you’re given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal.

A bank book makes good reading – better than some novels.

Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

There are few ways in which a man can be more innocently employed than in getting money.

We’re not motivated to make more money. We all have too much already. We want to do good work.

Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it.