Chelsea Handler

Mothers – we owe everything to them. They gave birth to us, they nurtured us, they made us who we are. And this Mother’s Day, we have just one thing to say to all the mothers out there: Get the fuck back to work.

This is my idea of heaven, coming home and watching the news.

I really admire stand-up, and I think I would have loved to learn how to do it. I think it’s terrifying and thrilling. A really cool thing to do. It’s a dying art, in a way.

Never have doubted it, even when the plane crash happened. I wasn’t mad at God. I just knew that there was a reason that I didn’t know about why it happened.

An iPhone would be a more coherent president of the United States.

Ryan and I didn’t grow up like this at all, with this much attention. We’ll just try to keep their feet on the ground and raise them with the values we were raised with.

You do not send me to Brooklyn to get a cheesecake and then I come back and you’re gone.

And if you’re thinking, But hold on John, what if I’m an asshole who couldn’t give a shit about America’s hungry families or the long-term viability of life on Earth? Well, first, let me say, Mr. Trump, thank you so much for taking the time to watch this show tonight. It’s lovely to have you with us.

I was making guitars and I was a sheet metal worker and if you ever see sheet metal workers’ hands, you’ve never seen so many cuts in your life.

I always thought that was so strange that people would try to corral you and pigeonhole you in one category and not play you anywhere else.

Our recent travels have taken this wild whirlwind of a band though many incredible and inspiring places…. Having just begun work on our new album, we thought we’d take time out to raise a little sand and welcome springtime with one more adventure, another celebration of life and song.

A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.

I’ll be a nun, raise my daughter, and make albums.

I’m tryna stay way away from her. It comes from experience, Im at a point in my life where I feel like Ive done that. At some point you cant drown yourself in that, you have to grow. If I ran into a chick like Kat Stacks I would know what it was.

I don’t speak particularly well. That’s one of the consequences of being extremely ugly.