John Oliver

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

Elections: the only excuse for a grown man to kiss a stranger’s baby and not have the cops called.

The death penalty is like the McRib. When you can’t have it, it seems so tantalizing. But when they bring it back, you think, ‘Wow, this is ethically wrong’.

Democracy is like a tambourine – not everyone can be trusted with it.’

Mothers – we owe everything to them. They gave birth to us, they nurtured us, they made us who we are. And this Mother’s Day, we have just one thing to say to all the mothers out there: Get the fuck back to work.

Wow, that is hard to watch. Hi, this is Ted Cruz, just calling to remind you to vote for a man who insulted my wife and said my dad helped kill JFK. Anyway, life has no meaning. Thank you. I want to die.

And God help Bruce Springsteen when they decide he’s no longer God… They’ll turn on him, and I hope he survives it.

I think social media has given everyone a voice. Social media makes everyone a celebrity on some level. I think that diminishes the power of an artist who bases their trade on their talent, that’s one of the downfalls. But the good thing is that you can connect with your fans all the time.

I grew up watching fantastic mainstream comedies like ‘Porridge’ and ‘Rising Damp’. There are some mainstream things I love.

On Jimmy Kimmel we had a great time having a dialogue. I’m reading that I was stumped by a question. Let me clarify the click bait. I wasn’t stumped. I wasn’t given a chance to answer the question.

[on Kylie Jenner’s cover shoot] I need a half hour to cry

I don’t fight for much, but when I fight for something, it’s usually because I think I’m going to be right.

I always said marriage should be a fifty-fifty proposition. He should be at least fifty years old, and have at least fifty-million dollars.

I’m probably the furthest from being romantic that you’ve ever seen; I’m not even close to being romantic in any way until I have to be.

It was fun to sing somebody else’s song.

Dammit, interviews are not what I do.

It really bothers me when people don’t use coasters. Particularly on my table.

They (Barnes Theatre Club) were a very good group, and for some reason when I finished the backstage thing, I just decided to that I should try to act. So I auditioned for Guys and Dolls and got a little tiny part as some Cuban dancer or something and then in the next play I got the lead part, and then I got my agent. So I owe everything to that little club.

In the last series, we set up a church [to expose televangelists and the ease of avoiding tax through establishing a religious organisation]. It took a lot of legal advice and months of gathering correspondence with one pastor. In terms of the UK, I’m not sure what the Inland Revenue’s position on churches is. The IRS is very much of the opinion that all churches, whatever their form, operate tax free. How would I make sense of what we achieved? We achieved nothing! We achieved $70,000 in single [donations], a four-foot wooden penis and five vials of human sperm. Although a lot of people would consider that a decent year’s work, I suppose. It’s a pretty impressive room full of tat.

My daughter is in love with Adele. She listens to her every day. To see someone with that much passion and soul move a 9-year-old is amazing and it’s magical.

My mum and my dad are the sweetest couple.