John Oliver

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends. They’re much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they’re in there.

As we’ve seen, Trump is a masterful denier of both reality and responsibility. He’s a man who would kick you in the nuts and then tell you that your penis did it.

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

In the last series, we set up a church [to expose televangelists and the ease of avoiding tax through establishing a religious organisation]. It took a lot of legal advice and months of gathering correspondence with one pastor. In terms of the UK, I’m not sure what the Inland Revenue’s position on churches is. The IRS is very much of the opinion that all churches, whatever their form, operate tax free. How would I make sense of what we achieved? We achieved nothing! We achieved $70,000 in single [donations], a four-foot wooden penis and five vials of human sperm. Although a lot of people would consider that a decent year’s work, I suppose. It’s a pretty impressive room full of tat.

Anthony Weiner’s alter ego is a Bolivian action hero slash porn star. ‘Danger… is my user name.’

Trump’s presidency is like one of his handshakes: it pulls you in whether you like it or not.

I want to work with great directors and try not to put too much pressure on myself and just read things for the story and recognize when I’m drawn to something for the right reasons and try to maintain some sanity.

I moved out at 18. I always studied classes and trained a lot, you know. I think nowadays is such a different time because there’s so many channels promoting the celebrity aspect of things.

We often read transcripts of Trump’s speeches, and it’s something that everyone should actually do once in a while. When you strip away his blindingly confident delivery and just read his words, it is staggering how incoherent he is.

I needed to explore my talent and versatility and see if I had another side to me, another sound.

I don’t weigh myself. I just go by if my clothes fit. I try not to participate too much in the incredible amount of wasted energy that women have around dealing with food. I just feel like being healthy is sort of a job requirement to be on TV, and being a writer is so much coping with fatigue and stress, and you just eat. You eat to stay awake.

I just needed a job. Before being hired as an usher at the CBS Theater, I didn’t even know there was a show business.

In L.A., unless you’ve just won an Oscar or you’re Mr. Studio Head, no one talks to you. Even at parties.

Finding another way to do what I know I can do pretty well. A way that stimulates me. I’m always on some sort of learning curve. If I can continually be surprised then I’m alert.

I am very proud of the titles I have earned. However, the honorary title I have been given this year as chairman of the VA National Salute to Hospitalized Veterans program is one I accept with great humility and pride. I encourage all Americans to visit some true champions this Valentine’s week and find out how you can serve those who have served us so well.

I am looking for a man I couldn’t beat in a cage fight.

I’m the closest that hip-hop is getting to God. In some situations I’m like a ghetto Pope.

I believe I could do dance on ice, or play in a musical of Freud’s life called ‘It’s Your Mother’ – or maybe one for the symbolists: ‘Jung at Heart’. There’s always the one about India: ‘The Gandhi Man Can’.

It’s crazy because, you know, my parents always want me to watch old films to make me realize how amazing some of the older actors are. And I was obsessed as soon as I watched ‘Stand by Me.

Lesson learned? When people say, “You really, really must” do something, it means you don’t really have to. No one ever says, “You really, really must deliver the baby during labor.” When it’s true, it doesn’t need to be said.

To be honest, I don’t want No. 1’s anymore. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind the odd few, but I’d also like a record going in at eight and staying around.