John Oliver

Donald J. Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.

Florida, just because you’re shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn’t mean you have to act that way.

There is nothing inherently wrong with media that has a viewpoint. This show has a viewpoint; we fact-check everything we say, but I don’t pretend to be neutral on things like criminal justice reform; I’m for it. Uh… Coldplay; I’m against it. Uh… or DeWalt ladders; they’re a seamless blend of style and performance. Walking up one is like ascending to Heaven on a golden cloud. I’m not being paid to say that. I’m just a fan.

The death penalty is like the McRib. When you can’t have it, it seems so tantalizing. But when they bring it back, you think, ‘Wow, this is ethically wrong’.

Elections: the only excuse for a grown man to kiss a stranger’s baby and not have the cops called.

[on Anthony Weiner] I remember him now… the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God.

Frank Sinatra and Stan Getz had been friends of mine, and I wanted to pay tribute to them.

Freddie will have been dead for 20 years in November. I was staggered because it doesn’t seem possible that all that time has passed and I still miss him. He was my best friend, my best man. We shared so much and I owe so much to him.

I think Led Zeppelin must have worn some of the most peculiar clothing that men had ever been seen to wear without cracking a smile.

I’m a weirdo. I don’t leave the house unless I have to.

Lately, I’m spending more and more time working with non-rock musicians and leaving the mainstream – almost dissolving into another world, musically.

Neil Tennant and Chris Lowe write some really great stuff – stuff that would put Oscar Wilde to shame. If the Pet Shop Boys ever wanted a third member, I’d be there.

In those days I don’t think they were even demos.

Do you know how much hate mail I’ve gotten from people who love Mario Kart? … In one day, I managed to ruin half of America’s childhood and mushroom farming everywhere.

I love funky styles. Not preppy or rock, just funky! Vanessa: (on her mom) She gave up so much for me. She moved many times so I could follow my career. Vanessa: I’ve always had problems with guys!

I’m just a public-schoolboy. I’ve got a degree. I’m from a middle-class family in Devon. I’ve got no story.

I found that the more truthful and vulnerable I was, the more empowering it was for me.

We all know what it feels like to be an outcast or a loner or to fall between the cracks. To be the target of gossip or people talking about you, or girls are ganging up on you. One minute, they’re your best friend; the next, they call you on three-way.

There aren’t any hard women, only soft men.

At one point, I was just perceived as only being angry, but now I’m being perceived as angry, peaceful, and spiritual.

(on his feuds with many of his fellow rappers) If they keep comin’ at me, I’ll just keep responding back until they don’t exist anymore. I got the time and energy to ruin what is left of their careers, if they want to do that.