John Oliver

So it’s an aging product that’s decreasing in popularity and yet somehow it just can’t stop making money. It’s basically the agricultural equivalent of U2.

News is now one of the three things that we get from social media, the other two being our entire sense of self-worth and pictures of shaved alpacas.

Prison sentences are a lot like penises – if they’re used correctly, even a short one can do the trick… is a rumor I have heard.

It is a little insulting that you’re trying to appeal to adult women voters the same way that Mattel attempts to appeal to eight year olds. And at least Barbie’s pink bus had the good sense to unfold into a sweet hot tub and party den combo. … The only way it could be even more patronizing is if its wheels were giant NuvaRings and they refused to let women drive it.

Wow, that is hard to watch. Hi, this is Ted Cruz, just calling to remind you to vote for a man who insulted my wife and said my dad helped kill JFK. Anyway, life has no meaning. Thank you. I want to die.

[on the NSA spying scandal] Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we’re just saying it’s a little bit weird you didn’t have to.

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley – the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you’re in your Vegas years. You’ve squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you’re wheezing your way through ‘Love Me Tender’ and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you’re still the King.

The postman wants an autograph. The cab driver wants a picture. The waitress wants a handshake. Everyone wants a piece of you.

I have talked to Debbie Hammond quite a bit, Jim Hammond’s wife, his widow. I’ve seen their kids. And last time we played Dallas, a lot of them came over. It’s hard for them to come see the show. It’s still hard.

There’s no comparison between the most precious parts of one’s personal life and success and wealth. If you lost someone near and dear to you, you can’t relate it to any amount of fame, fortune and luxury. You just have to go on living.

[on being labeled the next big thing] I don’t take it seriously. Because I’m the one living my life. I mean, I’ve got this tiny part in this big Brad Pitt movie, and everyone here thinks I’m playing Sally to Brad Pitt’s Harry. I’m not, and I’m constantly having to say that.

I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.

You can only live on the past for so long, and we kind of stretched our luck on that. We think we’re on the way back, but it’s just a matter of how quickly things come together. Common sense tells you it’s not going to happen overnight because we’re trying to catch up.

Being a mom has made me so tired. And so happy.

Los Angeles makes you feel ugly. I’m not going to pretend I haven’t secretly wanted to be super-skinny, because all girls do.But I have a woman’s body, not a boy’s body. Most women do and should feel proud of their butts and their breasts and their bellies.’

[on Matthew McConaughey] He was always taking his shirt off, he’s like Yeah, here’s my deal, I’m hot.” We had a meeting one day at like 11 o’clock, right before the show and he walks into the meeting shirtless wearing this like old musty sarong… He doesn’t smell great, no.

According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, ‘Well, look: you did what you could.’

It hits you in small ways and large, doesn’t it? For instance, had you considered the fact that portraits of Trump are going to be hanging in our airports? Uh… or that the man who disparaged a Gold Star family will now be expected to comfort the families of fallen soldiers? And maybe you’ve tried to make yourself feel better, fantasizing that he might Google how much does the president get paid?, get depressed, and then resign. But that is when you remember Mike fucking Pence, who might be even worse, because he looks like he’s from the 1950s, but he thinks like he’s from the 1650s. Oh, what’s that, you say? Her pregnancy was terminated before birth? Well, clearly she’s a witch. Hold a funeral for the fetus and throw the mother in a lake.

Well I always wanted to be Dolly Parton when I was a little girl. I was obsessed with her.

I see myself more as a character actress than a celebrity!

I believe I was definitely sent down here to take people away for a little while, to make them happy.