Catherine the Great

I may be kindly, I am ordinarily gentle, but in my line of business I am obliged to will terribly what I will at all.

If I may venture to be frank I would say about myself that I was every inch a gentleman …

Madame, you must be gay; only thus can life be endured. I speak from experience for I have had to endure much, and have only been able to endure it because I have always laughed whenever I had the chance.

A great wind is blowing, and that gives you either imagination or a headache.

I have no way to defend my borders but to extend them.

In politics a capable ruler must be guided by circumstances, conjectures and conjunctions.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

The secret source of humour itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humour in heaven.

No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

So I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I’m thinking, ‘Oh my God, I’m turning into my mother.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking’, but I don’t have that much time!

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I don’t mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don’t understand.

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.