Kurt Vonnegut

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.

I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

I tried practicing for a few weeks and ended up playing too fast.

If it weren’t for my lawyer, I’d still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, ‘Lady take your purse’

I remember Tina Fey wrote a play about Catherine the Great f**king a horse and I thought, ‘That lady is hot stuff, I wanna know her.’

We’ve heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true.

Your wit makes others witty.

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

I have won several prizes as the world’s slowest alto player, as well as a special award in 1961 for quietness.

[on Tina Fey] I like to say our relationship is as old as Lourdes Ciccone

Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone.

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.

Communism must be like one big phone company.